Friday, 22 May 2009

In the Memory of My MOM

Recently I was shocked that my mom is diagnosed with cancer – ovary cancer. The doctor estimates that her chances for survival after an ops are another 21 months that is 1 year and 9 months.
Before the doctor confirms that she has an ovary cancer, I have already expected it to be the same as her siblings were past away because of cancer (breast, ovary, colon). I wasn’t aware that my sisters didn’t know about it.
My mom is now warded in a hospital and day by day her condition is deteriorating. The doctors (from three hospitals) do not want to take the chance to operate her due to the fact that the cancer has spread to her intestine (colon). The doctor from one of the hospital finally mentioned that they can do the ops but a minor one – remove the cancer cell partially as to remove all the cell will take a longer time and my mom just don’t have the strength to go through that long hours of ops. The doctor further mention that even to remove the cell partially, they are uncertain if my mom will conscious after the ops. The possibility of her going into coma is there. We are at dead end as we just do not know which one to go for – continue with the ops or not doing it at all.
Currently my mom is on a respiratory machine (oxygen mask) to assist her breathing smoothly otherwise she will having difficulty to breath. Whilst for the liquid that keep on producing from we even do not know where, the doctor taps it once every 2 to 3 days.
I did look after her once when she still able to talk, walk while in the hospital but the next day I became weak – I had bad cough, I had eyesore and nearly five days I did not visit her in the hospital. Yesterday (with the cough still around) I visited her as the doctor had advised to call all the daughters to be around. I can see my mom suffer and I just could not take it. With my classes and upcoming tests, exams, I can’t afford to be there all the time – I know that I am bad but I believe she understands my situation as she did tell me (during the day I look after her) to give priority to my work and studies. She knows what I am going through currently especially my work.
I am just afraid and I don’t know how to face the situation if things turn out to be… I am just not ready for that situation. I still need her blessing…and because of her blessing I am what I am today. I still remember she pass a comment to my niece… “look at your auntie, until today she still ask for my blessing in everything she does. It is not that she doesn’t know how to do the work but she just needs the courage and blessings”. I know she appreciate my asking for blessing as at this age I still turn to her for that piece of blessing.
Mom… I am sorry and please forgive me if I ever hurt you in the past (I know I did) and at present. I know I am not a good person but as a daughter I hope I have made you proud a bit (if not much). One thing that I just can’t fulfill your dream is marriage – I am sorry. I hope you understand the reason (which I know you did).

Pic courtesy of shannonthompson.blogspot.com

2 comments:

sy said...

Hi Ramnah,
Heard about your mom from Mei. So sorry to hear that. In life, there will come a time when life starts to take things away from you instead of giving you things. Be strong and keep the memories of her forever.

Rosie said...

Thanks Bella..