A Walk of Life

Today, while having my dinner, I saw an old couple walking pass by - holding hands. I hardly see Malaysian at that age having this attitude - holding hands, and I really admire couples who still holding each other hands especially old couples.

It suddenly struck into my mind...will I experience that situation? How I wish I could but considering where I am now, I doubt I can go through that sweet experience...

Hmm...only God knows what my destiny would be...

T E M A N

HAR..a special friend that I have known for more than three years. I enjoy every conversation we had. We are frequently communicate lately and am comfortable talking to Har..I can share almost everything with Har.

One thing for sure, I know I can always count on Har and Har indeed..my shoulder to cry on..Thanks Har for being there whenever I need someone to talk to..

Har had dedicated the following song to me.. Have listened and keep on listening to it, but still could not figure out what exactly the message Har tries to convey to me..I wish I could read Har's mind..

Whatever it is, i enjoy listening to this song..Thank you Har..

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T E M A N
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Sejak mula pertemuan itu
Hati melonjak terkenangkanmu
Tiap detik ku mengharapkan
Panggilan rindu mu sayang

Apa kau rasa yang ku rasakan
Mungkin ini satu permulaan
Biarlah mawar terus bersemi
Mekar harum mewangi

Tak ku menduga
Cinta yang ku cari selama ini
Dikaburi wajah-wajah yang tiada ertinya sayang
Hadir di sisi
Tanpa harap belas dan perhatian
Namun kau pasti hadir di situ
Saat ku perlukan

Jangan hirau cerca dan hinaan
Kita teman yang tak sehaluan
Butir kasih dan keikhlasan
Mengikat hatimu hatiku

Apa kau rasa yang ku rasakan
Mungkin ini satu permulaan
Biarlah mawar terus bersemi
Mekar harum mewangi

Tak ku menduga
Cinta yang ku cari selama ini
Dikaburi wajah-wajah yang tiada ertinya sayang
Hadir di sisi
Tanpa harap belas dan perhatian
Namun kau pasti hadir di situ
Saat ku perlukan
*********

Today in History

Today in history...
I am finally going to sit for my final exam - scheduled for 29th July 2009 - after 3 years... I have no strength to fight anymore... I just couldn't be bothered about the result... Am so tired of it... Afterall, my carry marks have achieved 50 and above..

I do hope I can attempt to all questions and managed to go through all of them.

Cant imagine how life gonna be after this.. no more evening classes, no more assignments..

These three years have thought me a lot..not only the knowledge but about life as well.. I am greatful to have signed up for this program.. otherwise I would have waste my three years doing nothing.

I'd like to thank these people who have encouraged me to sign up for this program... my colleague Nava and my CEO Rohan.. Thank you guys..

And not to forget those who have given me courage and strength to stay till the end.. Regrettably, my beloved mom is not around to share this joy.. I believe she is also happy out there.. Would also like to thank her so much for her blessing, especially during exams.. Thanks mom..your blessings put me where i am today.

To all my lecturers... thanks a lot for the courage and knowledge you have given.. I appreciate it very much. Here are my lecturers who I respect and thankful for everything they have thought me - Cik Syarifah, Cik Emy Ezura, Tuan Haji Romle, Sir Hillal, Cik Hardayana, Dr. Zaharuddin, Ustaz Kamaruddin, En Wan Salleh, Dr. Nurhizam, En Azmi, En Amin, Cik Rokiah, Cik Watie, En Arman, En Shamshinoor, Madam Zuhaida, Madam Jasmani, Madam Madiha, Madam Adyani, En Raphy, Madam Mastura, Madam Nadia, Ms Alicia, Madam Wan Suria, Mr. Aravindan, Madam Che Fuziah, Madam Suraya, Cik Siti Hasnah and those few I can't remember (am sorry)..

In the Loving Memory of my Mom

At this point of time, I suddenly start to think of my mom... What I need the most now is her blessing. I've been missing her blessing for almost 2 months.
Not only her blessing, I miss her, miss talking to her. I miss my monthly visiting her, driving her to the town to shop for her grocery.

Mom.. I luv u and at this moment I miss you so much..

Next week I will sit for my final exam..and this make me miss you more.. I used to call you and ask you to pray and recite for me so that I can get through the exam with flying colours but not anymore now...I miss all those moments.

Mom..I know you are surrounding me, you are seeing what have I been through all this while. I always believe that eventhough we are not in the same world, you still pray for me, you still give me your bless..i believe that.. and that makes me keep up with my life..

Mom..may your soul rest in peace..I luv u.

My Sweet Little One - Update 4

After being quiet for sometimes on this matter, today I decide to update readers with the news of my little one...
They have grown up and unbelieveable...still sweet as before... especially my baby, Moris.
They are dear to me though we are far apart... luv you so much my baby...i miss you..
Hope to see you next year...papa mentioned that he'll travel to this part of the world next year...i look forward to seeing you my baby, both of you...

My Final Moment with her - MOM... I Luv You

The most unwanted moment finally come…
Tuesday, 26th May 2009 at 5.46pm, the doctor pronounced the demise of my mom. I broke down but I have to accept it. Myself and my close sister were there when she exhale her last breath.

That day, I plan to look after her. I was on leave, drive down to the hospital and arrive during visiting hour. When I arrive, she didn’t open her eyes – I take it as she is too tired to open her eyes.

When I was alone with her, I whisper to her:
Not to hold back anything… if the time comes, just leave behind all her worries and go in peace as we somehow will manage.
Whilst my part as a daughter, I seek her forgiveness, I seek her willingness to ‘halalkan’ especially her milk, her time, her advice and ‘everything’ given while raising me.

Around half past two, my sister and few nurses help to clean my mom, change her bed sheet, and her hospital gown. I put some talcum powder on her body, her face, her arms as I want her to smell good when we and the visitor (if any) want to kiss her.

At 3pm the nurse wants to feed her with milk, but first drains out the indigested milk, clean the tube and fill in with the new milk. Somehow the milk doesn’t flow into the tube. My sister told me that it is blocked and looks like she doesn’t want to accept anything. The doctor suggests waiting for the next feeding time to see if it still block, then they will remove the tube from the nostril and inserting it from other part of the body. At the same time the doctor did mention that her heartbeat is getting weak. I start to recite a verse from the Quran whilst my sister starts whispering a verse to her. The nurses are there to observe her. Her pulse is getting weaker. I start calling all my sisters to rush to the hospital. The nurses keep on checking her heartbeat and around 4.45pm one of them mentioned that she could not hear her heartbeat anymore. She is not in the state to confirm it and waiting for the doctor to do so. Dr. Khairil Idham comes and checks her heartbeat and confirms that he could not hear it any longer. That time I breakdown but then I realize I can’t afford to react so as when I whispered to my mom earlier, I told her that I accept whatever news that comes and I am ready for it.

Two of my sisters arrived and could not accept the fact that my mom is gone. Another sister was on her way and I told her not to come, just wait for the remains to arrive (the remains is brought back to Melaka).

The specialist comes and asks me if he can pronounce the death of my mom. I ask his last check on her before he can pronounce as from the machine I can see that the line doesn’t show a straight line – he explains to me the reason; and finally, at 5.46pm he pronounce the death of my mom.

I was so sad, was so terrified but I try to control. I keep on telling myself that I am ready for this and I believe that crying will make the situation worse and my mom soul will not rest in peace.

That evening, I drive back to KL to fetch my niece and nephew; and pack my things. After all done, I drive back to Melaka and arrive around half past twelve. I recite a verse, fell asleep, wake up, recite and continue till morning.

Around 9.30am, the ‘bilal’ starts to bath my mom, I help to bath her for the last time. With tears, I bath her – never in my life I bath her as all these while she is fit and never at all she fell so sick that requires assistance to do anything.

I help out to wrap her body and when time to kiss and say goodbye for the last time comes, we take turn to do so. I am the fifth and the last person to bid farewell before they wrap her body totally – tears keep on falling on my face and I will never forget this moment.

I follow the remains to the graveyard and for the last time (for the sake of my mom) I help out the gentlemen to bury the remains. They were asking me to move from there and I refuse to – my doing so is because my mom doesn’t have a son to bury her and during her alive, she knows that I can be relied on. (She did mention that I am her daughter that she can count on in any situation and that, I assume she loves me more than the rest (I guess) despite I’m being the youngest). To payback her love, her sacrifice and everything… I choose to help the gentlemen to bury her.

I did visit her grave every morning before I leave for KL on Saturday. During my stay there, I visit few of the people who know her and told them about the demise of my mom and they just don’t believe it as they never hear my late mom fall sick or anything. They were shocked with the news.

Few of my friends visited me during the funeral – my friends from TI: Earrine and Affendy; and from UUM: Abang Zam and Juliena. Thanks for coming all the way from KL, I appreciate it very much.

I take this opportunity to extend my special thanks to all the well wishers - my CEO, my office colleagues, my UUM friends and my TI friends and the few selected person dear to me especially Pak Engku; to Pak Engku, thanks for being there for me and your never ending courage, advise and concern towards me, I appreciate it very much.

Tribute:
To my late mom… maybe I seldom say this to you but the truth… I luv you so much, I appreciate and thankful to you for having raise me, give me the education, thought me everything about life and the most important thing… bless me in everything I do. I’m gonna miss your bless and this makes me miss you my entire life. I remember you did tell us that a person, no matter how rich she/he is but if she/he doesn’t have a mother, she/he will be the poorest person in the world and today I am one of them and understand what you meant.

I find this song very much relates to my relationship with my mom – Mama by Spice Girl

She used to be my only enemy and never let me be free
Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn’t be
Every other day I crossed the line I didn’t mean to be so bad
I never thought you would become the friend I never had

Back then I didn’t know why
Why you were misunderstood
So now I see through your eyes
All that you did was love

Mama, I love you. Mama, I care
Mama, I love you. Mama, my friend… you’re my friend

I didn’t want to hear it then but I’m not ashamed to say it now
Every little thing you said and did was right for me
I had a lot to think about, about the way I used to be
Never had a sense of my responsibility

Back then I didn’t know why
Why you were misunderstood
So now I see through your eyes
All that you did was love

Mama, I love you. Mama, I care
Mama, I love you. Mama, my friend… you’re my friend

But now I’m sure I know why
Why you were misunderstood
So now I see through your eyes
All I can give you is love

Mama, I love you. Mama, I care
Mama, I love you. Mama, my friend… you’re my friend
Mama, I love you. Mama, I care
Mama, I love you. Mama, my friend… you’re my friend

In the Memory of My MOM

Recently I was shocked that my mom is diagnosed with cancer – ovary cancer. The doctor estimates that her chances for survival after an ops are another 21 months that is 1 year and 9 months.

Before the doctor confirms that she has an ovary cancer, I have already expected it to be the same as her siblings were past away because of cancer (breast, ovary, colon). I wasn’t aware that my sisters didn’t know about it.

My mom is now warded in a hospital and day by day her condition is deteriorating. The doctors (from three hospitals) do not want to take the chance to operate her due to the fact that the cancer has spread to her intestine (colon). The doctor from one of the hospital finally mentioned that they can do the ops but a minor one – remove the cancer cell partially as to remove all the cell will take a longer time and my mom just don’t have the strength to go through that long hours of ops. The doctor further mention that even to remove the cell partially, they are uncertain if my mom will conscious after the ops. The possibility of her going into coma is there. We are at dead end as we just do not know which one to go for – continue with the ops or not doing it at all.

Currently my mom is on a respiratory machine (oxygen mask) to assist her breathing smoothly otherwise she will having difficulty to breath. Whilst for the liquid that keep on producing from we even do not know where, the doctor taps it once every 2 to 3 days.

I did look after her once when she still able to talk, walk while in the hospital but the next day I became weak – I had bad cough, I had eyesore and nearly five days I did not visit her in the hospital. Yesterday (with the cough still around) I visited her as the doctor had advised to call all the daughters to be around. I can see my mom suffer and I just could not take it. With my classes and upcoming tests, exams, I can’t afford to be there all the time – I know that I am bad but I believe she understands my situation as she did tell me (during the day I look after her) to give priority to my work and studies. She knows what I am going through currently especially my work.

I am just afraid and I don’t know how to face the situation if things turn out to be… I am just not ready for that situation. I still need her blessing…and because of her blessing I am what I am today. I still remember she pass a comment to my niece… “look at your auntie, until today she still ask for my blessing in everything she does. It is not that she doesn’t know how to do the work but she just needs the courage and blessings”. I know she appreciate my asking for blessing as at this age I still turn to her for that piece of blessing.

Mom… I am sorry and please forgive me if I ever hurt you in the past (I know I did) and at present. I know I am not a good person but as a daughter I hope I have made you proud a bit (if not much). One thing that I just can’t fulfill your dream is marriage – I am sorry. I hope you understand the reason (which I know you did).

Pic courtesy of shannonthompson.blogspot.com